Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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