My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
