I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
