i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it glows. i had to have it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
