We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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