So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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