I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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