some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
