If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
