Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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