I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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