So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
