come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im holly from the hills drunk
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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