i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
