i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
