I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
