Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
