you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
