i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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