How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
