Please, let me fuck your mom
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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