In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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