Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
