seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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