i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
