eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
