new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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