are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish you could order shots online.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
