Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
