Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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