I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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