i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
