Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize