By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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