Did you just see the Batmobile???
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize