She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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