I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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