there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
