three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize