I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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