A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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