I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
