we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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