those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
