Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
