2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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