good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize