The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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