I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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