Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
they need to just BURY HIM!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize