my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
