Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
