I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize