You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
