she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
