That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
