Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
