i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize