I just cut my nipple shaving
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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