I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
