There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Let's get the cat blown out
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
