some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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