I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
