i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
