There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
