your parents love me but you hate me
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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