So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
